Identity

I often think about the trajectory of my physical existence. The one city of my origin, and the multiple locations which I visited, inhabited and travelled in. However, as recurring as this collage in my mind, a clear picture of my identity is equally rare. In the constant but still expanding “geography” of my journey, I cannot locate the center of my existence. Do I belong to the place I took birth in? In which I spent first 16 years of my life, a modest town which is ever more chaotic and mind boggling than it used to. Or do I identify myself with the imposing metropolitans I have studied and worked in – where sophistication is the norm, where the traffic lights mean only one thing and where a hotel and a restaurant do not mean the same thing.

Ever since I left twelve years ago, I must have visited my hometown tens of times. I have found it getting increasingly intense over time. Today, I see English medium schools in every corner, new banks, more congested markets, poorly attempted widening of roads, and a newly constructed shopping mall, hoping to be fully occupied and operational. It’s a dream place for the many villages and towns nearby, and so thousands of students flow in every year – to study, to grow and develop, to thus catch and taste the not-so-low hanging fruit of economic growth. I admire the ambition and conviction this town has shown. Having said that, despite the explosion of colour and richness, a change many like me would expect, I fail to identify myself with this place of my origin. Prejudice runs deep in the social fabric, with religion, caste, occupation, constituting the parameters of identity. Prejudiced comments and actions are so casually and ubiquitously practiced that sometimes, I long for the same sophistication and haughtiness of big cities which I make fun of. May be because somewhere hidden under that veil of pretentiousness and arrogance, there is a silver lining of freedom and dignity.

Still, I must qualify what I just said. Why, I ask myself, I feel left out at the sports bar when I refuse to drink with my fellow “cityzens”, or when I opt for a modest but delicious dinner outing rather than a lavish and expensive one. It would be wrong to assume that urban societies epitomize social utopias full of harmony and synergy. They have their own form of prejudice and created un-necessities. The income status, place of residence, social circles – all feed into the perceptions – rendering all relationships and friendships shallow, to say the least.

So I remain confused, about the locus of my identity. I find myself too refined for the ingenuousness of my homeland, at the same time, too desi for the glitter of the metropolises. But I am hopeful that in the future, which is going to take me to even newer and different places, I shall have a clearer picture of my definition! May be I do find a place I could harmoniously align with culturally, socially, intellectually, as well as economically.